Who argues that being child-free is selfish? I love my kids, but I whole-heartedly agree with the benefits you mentioned above, what I wouldn’t give for a good night’s rest :).

First of all, I agree with you that people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them. This seems inarguable to me. (As you point out, people who don’t want kids will probably be extinct in a remarkably short span of time and then we can all stop worrying about these sorts of battles.)

Nevertheless, you have to see that you’re doing quite a bit of justifying of your own in this post. While I agree that people who don’t want children are not necessarily selfish, all the reasons you gave are, in fact, selfish ones. E.g. “intrinsic value in our own lives - not derived from any kids,” which I imagine must include any other people as well. Or do you think it’s wrong to find value in other people only if those people are your own kids? If so, why the double standard? Your other reasons also seem to boil down to one’s own happiness and contentment, free time, and more money. Nothing wrong with any of this, but it doesn’t really defend you on the charge of selfishness.

For what it’s worth, I think most people who decide not to have kids do in fact do so for selfish reasons (like the ones you’ve given). I also think most people who decide to have kids also do so for selfish reasons, so I see no particular moral virtue on either side.

@Frank: Women who don’t want to have children can get it fairly often. I think it’s people justifying their own choices, and sometimes it’s parents who would like grandchildren etc. It happens to men too, but I think less often.

@Andrew:I’m arguing more than just because parents sacrifice things for their children, doesn’t mean that choosing be child-free is any more selfish than choosing to have children. I’d agree that essentially people make these choices for reasons primarily to do with themselves. That could easily be described as selfish, but if you say someone is selfish for choosing to have children you become unpopular, so I usually state that both options are morally neutral to avoid causing arguments.Aside from my own selfish reasons for being somewhat touchy on this subject, I do genuinely feel that my friends who have ended up without children but didn’t intend to, are sometimes treated as second-class. Which is a pity, because they don’t have their own choices to back them up, if that makes sense.Otherwise, at some point if you want to be happy it’s going to have to be mainly for reasons within yourself (or I suppose your partner). Children grow up, and living your life vicariously through them is a poor substitute for the real thing.I am genuinely happy when other people have children. I think it must be wonderful to want to have children, and then to have them. I think that even if you don’t want children you can enjoy having your own, although it might take more work. I think that it’s sad when people who want children can’t have them, but that they can find other ways to have fulfilling lives.And I think that I could have made a better attempt at the original post, since this comment is so long

ah. what an interesting post. you’ve got me thinking (again!) those are excellent reasons not to have children, and i think it’s odd that some people think that the child-free are more selfish.I had never thought of it that way! I mean , I think it would be selfish to have a child, then spend less than ALL of one’s available time/money/energy on it. Which is why I have ambivalent feelings about having children. That said, I think if I decide not to have children my parents will call me selfish. So i can see how that would make sense from their perspective. They think they’re getting grandkids (they’re probably right.)

Although we have three kids (mostly grown up and out) and loved the experience, there are way too many people pro-creating that have no business being parents. They are breeding, not parenting. I am glad that you have thought through the entire issue and decided what is best for you and for the children that you chose not to have.

It still amazes me that in a world of 6 billion people which is rapidly turning into a hothouse / empty larder, people still talk about not having kids as selfish.

The rational, good for humanity, selfless thing to do is NOT have children.

I understand the desire to have kids is overwhelmingly strong for many - I’ve read my Darwin! - and so I understand why people, even I, might. But it’s selfish, not selfless, make no mistake about that.

I’ll change my mind perhaps if childlessness eventually takes us down to say 500 million people.

I think it is a personal decision and although those of us with kids can’t imagine not wanting them, I do understand better because when young I did not care much for kids and sometimes wonder if our oldest had not come along accidentaly if I would have ever made the choice myself. We went on to have four and they are the love of our lives but now we are about to face the empty nest part of our lives which affects my husband much less as he has worked all these years builing his career but I am now the one trying to figure out what to do with myself. I think more people need to have an idendity beyond that of being a parent because if you do your job right, they leave home and build wonderful lives of thier own, and even though we have seven grand children, only two live in the same state as us and with our son in law in the National Guard, they have talked abomut goiing full time army and they could take off. Our youngest son is going away to college and who knows where he will end up so we could end up with four kids in other states, so you cannot base your happiness on kids as they do go off and do thier own thing and if you have not built your own life, you are left trying to figure it out late in life, like I am. My regret is not pursuing some dreams for me while raising them so that I would have something for myself to be focused on at this point.
So, kids or no kids, you have to build your life for yourself and can’t use your kids to give you a life. It is not thier responsiblity to do that.
If someone does not want kids, no one should give them trouble over it. It is a choice each person has to make and no one lives your life but you.
I am happy with my choices and would not change having kids, but sure would have done some things differantly so that I had a fuller life now that they are off living thier lives. It is not thier job to keep me fullfilled, I have to do that by myself.

Stephanie makes a great point about not using your kids to give you a life.
I too am child-free, I mostly get somewhat confused looks from older people but within my circle of friends only 2 really want children.
One recurring comment I do hear is that surely we’d want children because my partner is so intelligent (somewhat of a genius in his field) which I’m never quite sure how to respond to. No one seems terribly concerned about my genes disappearing into the ether, but heaven forbid we wouldn’t try and produce a mini-him!

Good article, indeed. Some day perhaps someone could expand on the notion that actually HAVING children is the more selfish and self-centered choice, rather than adopting “other peoples’” offspring or just going without .

I genuinely believe that most people have children because that’s what everyone else around them is doing. I don’t believe they have any long-term plan; I don’t believe they have any deeper thought or motivation. I don’t believe they’ve given 60 seconds of thought to it. It’s just “the thing to do.” Everyone else is buying a flat-screen TV, so will I! Everyone else is making babies, so will I! I believe 99% of all parents are really that thoughtless and careless about bringing a new human being into the world. I have met many, many mothers and fathers who clearly did not want to be parents. But they don’t dare say it out loud, of course. They have to lie and keep up the pretense that they are happy to be parents, despite their clearly unhappy voices, faces and body language when around their children.

I think it’s sad that organized religion so relentlessly pushes members to make babies.

@Stephanie:
I think you’ve said beautifully what I was getting at. I am sure that you can have a fulfilling life without relying on your children - there’s a world of possibilities out there.

@Looby:
I’m sure your genes are just as good as his. But that is a hard thing to respond to.

@RM:
Most people I know with kids do genuinely love them, and I’m fortunate enough to know lots of great parents. But yes, I’m sure lots of people don’t really consider not having children, which is a pity.

I’ve been on both sides and I am so very glad I have my children. Until and unless you’ve experienced both sides, I find it amusing to hear anyone disparage another on either side of the issue. People tend to say “live and let live” until it interferes with their personal world view. Then it becomes “live MY way.”

Ironicly after posting my comment here and mentioning our son in law could go active duty , I found out later that night that is exactly what is happening !!
I am sad that the two grandkids we have here could be in another state, but it makes me more determined than ever to build a life for me that is based on my needs and will enrich my life. Our kids will always be a huge part of my life, it never ends, that is why having kids is a serious choice, once you have kids, you always have kids. I do agree that having them or not should be something discussed so people do have that option if they chose it. Thank you for opening an interesting conversation, I love hearing about other peoples views !!

I agree whole-heartedly with the commentary regarding breeding. Look at this Nadya Suleman woman who could not afford to feed the six mouths she already had, but still felt the urge of motivation to deliver eight more! Don’t get me wrong- I love children. I have three of my own, and would love to have about four million more, however, truth be told, I would then be relegated to no more than a breeder. My theory on children is simple. If you want them, by all means, have them, however not at the cost of society or the children themselves. As I previously stated, I would love more children, but how selfish would that be? If I had more, would I be able to afford to adequately feed, clothe, and educate the three I already have? Or should I just leave that to their own responsibilty? I don’t believe it is selfish or selfless to choose to or not to have children. Both schools of thought hold merit. I just think it is selfish to produce more children than one can afford to provide meaningful existences to. My three have everything they need and most of what they want. I will not have more at the expense of their well being.

Good Post. I often thought that parents with children are very self-centered. They are always talking about their wonderful, perfect kids and expect you to be interested. In other words, they may be more ’self-less’ about themselves but they are every bit as self-centered (about their brood) as their child-less counterparts.

@Ron:
The problem with that idea - that you shouldn’t comment unless you’ve experienced both sides - is that it explicitly excludes the point of view of those who never have children (whether they want to or not). I’m not sure that anyone is disagreeing with your desire to have children, nor preventing you from doing so.

@Stephanie:
It is interesting, I think you’re right that having kids is something quite serious - although I’m sure it can be a lot of fun as well.

@Nicole:
Certainly if you have kids you should provide and care for them. As teenagers will endlessly say *they didn’t ask to be born*.

The problem with that idea - that you shouldn’t comment unless you’ve experienced both sides - is that it explicitly excludes the point of view of those who never have children (whether they want to or not).

Just because something seems unfair doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I can speak all I want about what it’s like to fight in a war, but I think it’s inarguable that the opinions of people who have actually served in a war are probably going to be more valuable than mine.

I’m 35 and have no children. My wife and I are expecting our first child in five months. In ten years, I’ll be able to compare my life as an adult without children with my life as an adult with children with a large basis for comparison. It is a simple fact that I will have more authority on the matter at that time than I do now, whether that seems fair or not.

I think what I’m getting at is that there are more than two sides. It’s not about having or not having children, it’s also about wanting or not wanting children.

I’m not sure you can really experience not having children, if you at some point have them. Unless maybe you really didn’t want or plan them, and were intending never to have children. Being temporarily child-free but assuming that you’ll get round to it one day isn’t quite the same thing.

I know (and am glad that) it’s normal to love your kids unconditionally whether you wanted them before you were born or not. However, you can’t really say that life is better with them, because you don’t and can’t really know what life would be like now without them.

Oh, this post makes me so happy to be 45 years old! For about 15 years I was badgered by those that wanted kids to explain to them why on earth I didn’t want kids. There’s no explanation that can make people understand. You want them or you don’t, it’s that simple.

Of course it would be completely unacceptable for me to be badgering them about why on earth they would want them. It doesn’t work both ways. Now I’m 45, those questions stopped about 5 years ago. (And I do get a few of those same people saying to me now, “you were smart not to have them.”)

One silver lining about aging!

I think what I’m getting at is that there are more than two sides. It’s not about having or not having children, it’s also about wanting or not wanting children.

Sure. I agreed with that earlier on. People who don’t want children shouldn’t have children.

I’m not sure you can really experience not having children, if you at some point have them. Unless maybe you really didn’t want or plan them, and were intending never to have children. Being temporarily child-free but assuming that you’ll get round to it one day isn’t quite the same thing.

What you’re trying to say here is that if you always wanted children, then you haven’t experienced not wanting them. This is clearly true, but is radically different from saying that you haven’t experienced not having them.

I know (and am glad that) it’s normal to love your kids unconditionally whether you wanted them before you were born or not. However, you can’t really say that life is better with them, because you don’t and can’t really know what life would be like now without them.

I’m not even sure what you’re getting at here. It is true, I suppose, that when I turn 45, I can’t know exactly how my life would have turned out had I not had children. But, really, it’s not that hard to take an educated guess while the reverse is practically impossible.

They have to lie and keep up the pretense that they are happy to be parents, despite their clearly unhappy voices, faces and body language when around their children.